I don't get out much anymore so on a recent trip back to Illinois I was surprised by how much air travel has fallen off. For example the Saturday early evening flight from Chicago to Phoenix was at best half full and with only three first class passengers. But I wasn't surprised that there is still some pretty silly nonsense going on 'out there.' For one my sister, her husband, granddaughter and I, we all live in Arizona, discovered that you can find a better airfare online than if you call the airlines for one of their bereavement fares. This supposed 'break' in an emergency coming from the same airline that we finally flew with the Internet price, actually would have cost us a couple of hundred more as a foursome, so much for helping out the grieving customer. I should mention that neither of those connecting flights was full either.

After one of those pre-flight sleepless nights where you finally fall asleep about an hour before you are supposed to leave, I arrived at the airport thirty minutes late. Not thinking too clearly at 5 AM I did not have time to check in one of my two small bags so I was of course stopped at the security checkpoint where they promptly proceeded to confiscate my toothpaste, after shave and a small bottle of Listerine. I might add that all three items were under the prescribed limit and had been recently purchased for that purpose. The guard then spent about five minutes explaining something about how I couldn't have them all in one large plastic zip top bag and I think he said I could have gotten by with smuggling my deadly bogie bait onto the aircraft if I had only separated them by putting them singularly into three separate smaller plastic zip top bags. Now if I were going to perpetrate some dastardly deed with my toiletries, just how much harder would it be for me to accomplish my evil task by working with three small zip top plastic bags than one large zip top plastic bag? I found his explanation to be extremely stupid.

As he seized my large plastic zip top bag, with my essential but apparently life threatening goodies, into custody he took a small empty zip top plastic bag out of a case of them behind him and gave it to me as "a reminder of what to do when and if I ever fly again." It didn't seem at all to me like a fair trade. But as I was already running late, and it was very important for me to get to Illinois, I bit my lip as I simply said au revoir to the nice man with the zip top plastic bag fetish who I know, in all fairness, is really only doing his job no matter how asinine it may seem. By the way what do they do with all of the stuff that they confiscate anyway? Resell it in the gift shops or give it to acquaintances as Christmas stocking stuffers?

Now this episode reminded me of how a couple of years or so ago security at the Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport used to take matches and lighters away from passengers going through security but didn't seem to have a problem with some of these same passengers getting free books of matches in a 'smokers' bar/restaurant directly across from the gate where they were going to board the aircraft. The only prerequisite to obtain a book of these free matches right outside the door of the plane was that you had to at least first buy a drink or sandwich at the bar. Then they would gladly give you all the matches you could haul out of the place without the help of a stranger wearing a turban. Of course now there is no smoking at all permitted anywhere inside Sky Harbor so this silly practice no longer endangers the rest of us. Well, except that security no longer confiscates matches or small butane lighters from passengers. Apparently sometime in the last couple of years 'we' have lost our fear of fellow passengers with matches but now tremble at the thought toothpaste, aftershave and Listerine, at least if they are all in the same plastic zip top bag.

Likewise at the Portland, Oregon airport there is an oval glass display case showing just about everything from fingernail clippers and tweezers to hang grenades and bazookas that will be confiscated by security if you try to take them onboard the plane. Yet again once inside the secured area you can buy many of the same items in the gift shops just outside your departure gate, which are displayed as no no's in the glass case, like fingernail clippers and tweezers. I can understand the threat of the razor blade in a box cutter but I will never understand why or who would surrender a plane to someone yielding fingernail clippers or tweezers? Having seen more than one movie where a guy slices somebody up using a credit card as a weapon, I think airport security should confiscate everybody's credit cards!

Reporter: "Sir, how were the hijackers able to take over the plane?"

Hijacked Pilot: "Using MasterCard…"

Reporter: "Priceless."

Impounding every passenger's credit cards would pay twice the dividend as not only would it make it safer to fly but once everyone has had their credit cards taken away, without any hope of ever getting a new line of credit after Obama's new credit card reforms, we could also start to eliminate our national credit card debt!

As it is with this continuous 'heightening' of our security precautions at our airports and the total disregard for what was once known as 'common sense,' along with an absolute refusal to profile the most likely suspects, like a, well let's admit it, a sane society that is actually serious about saving lives; I think we should just stop the charade and put every airline passenger in a strait jacket, plant a muzzle over their yap traps, ala Hannibal Lector, then lock 'em in their seats and be done with it. Of course on longer flights diapers would also be required, but only in first class. This way nobody has to fear toothpaste.

Another thing I noticed was that hardly anyone working for the airlines ever smiles anymore, especially the flight attendants. Now this may be because they are all worried about their jobs but I have a theory that the once friendly skies we were flying in years ago started to get more and more unfriendly as more and more lawsuits were filed concerning age and sex discrimination of those we once called stewardesses. Knowing full well of my lack of skill in being politically correct, on this trip I was warned by my sister not to call them stewardesses because they are all now "flight attendants." Years ago all the stewardesses were attractive young females who smiled a lot, most probably because they were attractive young females who had a lot to smile about. But after the age and sex discrimination lawsuits replaced many of these younger stewardesses we are now confronted by, shall we say, flight attendants in a more advanced age group who seem to be just a little bit grumpy. You know, like the rest of us in our advanced age group. However many of them are still attractive and I always thought that attractive people always smiled. Oh well. Hopping around the country at 30,000 feet is fun when you are twenty-something but it is very tiring when you are forty-something. I can see why it may be hard to smile when dealing with a bunch of strangers in a confined area. But still they are getting paid for what they do and they did have other choices so how about a smile with that half a glass of warm soda?

As airlines continue to cut costs they are now charging passengers, separate from the ticket price, for checking in their luggage. As I discovered on our return trip starting in Cedar Rapids, the first bag costs fifteen bucks to check in but the second costs twenty-five! I checked the first but because I often refuse to simply go along with someone when they are robbing me, I decided to carry on the second. The nice young lady behind the counter, who did smile, gladly took my weapon, ah, I mean credit card, swiped it and returned that instrument of death back to me. Ironically just forty-five minutes later as I walked down the ramp to board the plane this same young woman, who was going to charge me twenty-five smack-o-la's to check the bag I was now carrying, stopped me before I could get on the plane. As she explained, since this plane to Chicago was smaller there was not space on it for me to carry on my bag so she would check it here and put it in the cargo hold… for free. I'll tell you folks, something is not right here as once the tickets are sold with the passengers allowed at least two bags, one being a carry on, then it does not cost the airlines anymore money if a bag travels in the cabin with the passenger or down in the cargo hold. It is quite a scam they have going.

In another action to reduce costs many flights have cut out food services or now charge like five bucks for a chicken sandwich. Of course by the time the flight attendant gets to you all ten of those chicken sandwiches on hand have been sold so you have to settle for a four dollar snack pack of cheese and crackers, including a small Snicker's bar and four Oreo cookies. I wonder what wide body exec thought up that nutritional ditty? So many passengers are now bringing their own food onboard. Bad idea and here is one example why.

In October of '05 I went to live with my son in Hawaii for a year. To get there I had a six and half hour flight that was extended by a forty-five minute delay on the tarmac at Sky Harbor due to engine trouble. Did I mention that while we waited onboard that the air conditioning was not working and outside the plane it was 105 degrees? Not a very good beginning for a flight across the vast expanses of the deep blue Pacific. Unfortunately, it would get worse.

We were just minutes into our long flight when as soon as we had reached our cruising altitude this guy in the aisle seat across and one row up from me began to prepare his home made meal. From a duffle bag he took out three or four paper towels and layered them across his lap. Next came a small Tupperware bowl filled with a red liquid. He then reached into the duffle bag with both hands to extract what looked like a football wrapped in aluminum foil. Folding back the foil he publicly exposed the biggest, greasiest, and foulest smelling beef and bean burrito that I have ever had the displeasure to encounter in my entire life!

Within seconds the foul order of this rancid, vile monstrosity filled the plane's cabin from one end to the other. Audible gasps of horror were heard up and down the aisles as other passengers were simultaneously assaulted by the pungent stench of this evil burrito! Mixed utterances of, 'Oh my God!' and, 'What the hell is that?' echoed throughout the cabin. Babies started to cry and children began to whimper as in unison dozens of hands shot straight upward to turn the air controls above the passengers' heads up to full blast, it did not help. The male first class flight attendant disgustedly yanked the curtain closed in an obvious attempt to shield his precious first class passengers from the rest of us second- class slime balls and our nauseating habits.

Meanwhile I sat there half expecting the oxygen masks to drop from the ceiling while reaching for my carry on hoping to find my bottle of after shave in a desperate attempt to mask this ungodly order, only to remember that my after shave was in my check in bag along with my toothpaste and Listerine so that they would not be confiscated by security! Instead I found a pack of Juicy Fruit gum, which went immediately to my tormented nostrils where I sucked in large blasts of its fragrant fruity scent.

All this time Mr. Stinking Burrito sat oblivious to our discomfort and offensively chomped away on this disgusting appendage, while splashing Tupperware hot sauce over each new bite as the grease ran down across the foil and onto his hands then nauseatingly dripped onto the paper towels layered upon his lap. By the time he finally finished his contemptible meal the two poor souls sitting next to him were turning green. Mr. Stinking Burrito then crumbled up the foil and paper towels into one big wad and stuffed them into the pouch in front of his seat. Then without retiring to the head to wash his smelly, greasy hands or face he leaned back and went to sleep. I swear if he had so much as smiled in contentment I fear the other passengers would have pummeled him half to death and God help me I may have led the charge! As it was while the stench from his burrito never fully dissipated during the entire flight, after a while, and with the help of Juicy Fruit, at times it became at least bearable.

Now believe it or not I do enjoy flying. I have always thought air travel was fun and exciting. There are many advantages of flying like safety and speed to your destination. However as proven in that Hawaiian flight the disadvantages include the facts that you can not choose your traveling partners, you can not pull the vehicle over anytime you want to get out for a while, and you can't roll down a window for a little much needed fresh air. But then everything has its drawbacks.

Finally, since the CIA can no longer use water boarding maybe they should take a hint from our airport security when trying to make someone talk? Who knows, perhaps Islamic terrorists are as afraid of fingernail clippers and tweezers as much as we Americans seem to be? Maybe if we showed them a LARGE bottle of Listerine it might frighten them right out of their jihad! So much so that they would gladly give up bin Laden's hiding place, which of course I am convinced is the top floor of the New York Times building.

God Bless America

And

Our Airlines.

Semper Fi,
Mike

"Copyright 2009.  Michael E. Tank   All rights reserved. No part of this document may be copied, faxed, electronically transmitted, or in any other manner duplicated without express written permission of the author."