CNM Announcer: “Welcome to CNM the Nation’s number one news source. Now once again from Atlanta here is the number one news anchor Bolt Striker with the number one news program, The Stitching Room, where CNM stitches together the this and that of the news to fit our purpose just for you, America, because like CNM, you America, are number one!”

 

Bolt: “Welcome back America as we now go to Washington D.C. and Copper Hooper who has an interesting new development in what may be the motive of these two terrorists last seen in Missouri. Copper.”

 

Copper: “Right Bolt, CNM has just learned that there are increasing reports that major demonstrations are erupting in a number of the major cities of Europe and the Middle East. Apparently Muslim protesters are very angry with an American songwriter who they say has defiled Islam and the Muslim people. Bolt, this seems to be very reminiscent of the demonstration that erupted earlier this year because of the Danish cartoons and just a few months ago from the statements of the Pope.”

 

Bolt: “Copper, do we have confirmations that these are Muslim who are protesting?”

 

Copper: “Yes Bolt that has been confirmed. Reports that are just now coming in, say the demonstrations started almost simultaneously about fifteen minutes ago in at least fifteen different cities in eight different Nations. These Nations include, France, Germany, Spain, Georgia, Iran, Syria, Pakistan, and Lebanon. First reports say that the protestors are extremely violent and destructive. The reason for this violent outburst it is believed to be for the American intolerance to the Islamic faith. As we know Bolt…”

 

Bolt: “Excuse me Copper, we go now to Paris where demonstrations have broken out only twenty minutes ago and join CNM correspondent Pierre Croissant with a CNM breaking headline. Pierre.” 

 

Pierre: “France has surrender! It is truly a sad, terrible day…(sounds of weeping) … Viva la France! (Static-blank screen)”

 

Bolt: “Thank you Pierre. We now rejoin Copper Hooper in Washington D.C.”

 

Copper: “Bolt it has been confirmed that these demonstrations are anti-American and have been caused by Islamic anger over a song published in 1962 called Ahab The Arab. The song was written and performed by one Ray Stevens, an American. It was supposedly a funny song depicting an Arabian sheik that wanders through the night looking for a female member of another sheik’s harem. A statement by the Arabian Horse Association released just moments ago stated that, “We will no longer stand by and let the Satanic American States inhabited by it’s intolerant infidels slander the good name of the Muslim people or insult their religion and customs. No Arabian Knight would ever steal a woman from another’s harem because if they ever did and were caught they know that we would have to kill the woman. We do not talk like that son of Satan makes us talk in his ridiculous song and there has never been a camel named Clyde in any Muslim Kingdom! We have suffered the insults of your cartoons and your Pope. We will not stand idly by as you now insult our manhood, our language, our women and our livestock. This final insult is intolerable and has finally broken the camels back! Death to all American infidels! Allah, the Tolerant One, be praised.”

 

“Well Bolt there you have it. We have really made them mad this time.”

 

Bolt: “Yes I see that Copper, I have heard that song so I can understand why. We now go to Tehran, Iran and CNM correspondent Sol Benjamin. Sol.”

 

Sol: “Damn it Bolt! I told you idiots when you sent me here to call me Ben Sole!”

 

Bolt: “Oh yes sorry Sol…Ben I forgot, so what is the situation there in Tehran?”

 

Sol: “The situation! I’ll tell you the situation! Islamic terrorists have taken over the streets, carrying signs that say Death To Satanic America, Death To Infidel Songwriters and Death To All Jews! The situation here is that I told you corporate idiots NOT to send me to Tehran! Didn’t I Striker, didn’t I?”

 

Bolt: “Well…ah…yes you did Sol…I mean Ben.”

 

Sol: “Yeah keep it up! So the situation here is this, you send a naturalized Iranian to Tel Aviv and me, a Jew, to Tehran! It will add a spark to our broadcasts you said, it will be fun you said. And all I asked was that if I had to go then please call me Ben Sole until I got the hell out of here! Remember Striker?”

 

Bolt: “Yes Ben…”

 

Sol: “Well now thanks to you corporate morons back in Atlanta and your search for higher ratings I may never get out of here…(In the background two demonstrators are seen pointing at Sol and we a hear a muffled, ‘Hey they said that reporter is a Jew!) Well I’ll tell you one thing, if I do get out of here alive I’m coming back to Atlanta and kick your skinny little a….”

 

Bolt: “Thank you. That was Sol Benjamin reporting from Tehran, that’s in Iran. We now take you to Madrid, Spain and CNM reporter Fernando Lopez. Fern.”

 

Fernando: “Bolt, thirty minutes ago a large group of angry protesters attacked the American Embassy throwing bricks and torches and there have been more than a few gunshots fired. We do not know how many causalities as of yet but the protestors are continuing to march through the streets turning over vehicles and setting them on fire. They are smashing windows and kicking down doors. We have witnessed wholesale looting of the shops and markets on this usually peaceful and pleasant street here in front of the embassy. Thankfully, at this time of the night there were few pedestrians but those who were present have been chased away. However, we did see one unfortunate man who was run down by the protesters and savagely beaten because he was wearing a camel’s hair coat. As they beat him the angry crowd kept yelling, ‘Is this what happened to Clyde?’ as they ripped the coat off of him. Bolt it is getting ugly here.”

 

Bolt: “Fern, has it been confirmed that these protestors are indeed Muslim?”

 

Fernando: “Well Bolt, they are carrying signs that read ‘Islamic Justice, Cut Off the Infidel’s Heads’, I don’t think they are Catholic.”

 

Bolt: “Fern, can you talk to one of them, ask them why are they protesting?”

 

Fernando: “Are you nuts? I’m not going near these madmen! And stop calling me Fern, its Fernando!”

 

Bolt: “Thank you. That was Fernando Lopez in Madrid; we now go to Horst Beckermann in Berlin, Germany. Horst you just heard Fernando in Madrid, are the demonstrations in Berlin as violent?”

 

Horst: “What!? Who said that?”

 

Bolt: “Horst, it is I, Bolt Striker in Atlanta, are the demonstrations in Berlin as violent as those in Madrid?”

 

Horst: “How the hell should I know, I’m in Berlin! Who is this?”

 

Bolt: “Bolt Striker in Atlanta. Horst, are you okay?”

 

Horst: “Ah, Guten Abend Bolt old buddy, how the hell are ya?”

 

Bolt: “Horst, are you alright?”

 

Horst: “Never better my kleiner Freund, what’s up?”

 

Bolt: “Horst, the demonstrations, are they violent in Berlin.”

 

Horst: “Ah, I’ve seen worse… (mumbled chatter, laughter.”)

 

Bolt: “Horst, are you drunk?”

 

Horst: “Yeah, yeah, just a little, yeah. Been to the Bier-Garten where I met these two cute little Frauliens, (he whispers) I told them I could get them on TV.”

 

Bolt: “Horst, the demonstrations, tell us about the demonstrations in Berlin please.”

 

Horst: “Ah hell, what’s to tell? When you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all. Don’t you Americans have some baseball scores to announce or something? Leave me alone. To hell with these swine, don’t they ever take a break? What are they protesting now, did somebody say boo?” (A chorus of drunken laughter. Horst: ”Come on Frauliens, let’s go to Herr Beckermann’s studio and see how you look on video tape…)

 

Bolt: “Thank you Horst. CNM has just received a copy of the lyrics to Ahab The Arab written by Ray Stevens. However due to the delicate nature of these lyrics along with CNM’s sincere belief that these lyrics are offensive, we will not be showing them on your television screen. Instead we suggest you go to this website by clicking on the link below and read them for yourself. They are appalling.

 

Ahab The Arab

 

 

CNM now takes you to Washington, D.C. and CNM correspondent Copper Hooper.”

 

Copper: “Bolt, I have a number of urgent press releases to cover so bear with me please.

 

First, the Secretary-General of the United Nations, Kofi Annan has released a statement stating that the UN is willing to start negotiations with the Islamic Jahidits’ leaders to initiate talks for the conversion of all the World’s religious groups to Islam. He goes on to say, ‘The World must finally realize that this violence and terror must be appeased in order for us to live in peace. If we must give up some simple religious beliefs so that we may stop the bloodshed once and for all, I cannot see why we could not come to an agreement and live as one people under Islamic law and their promise of an after live. Besides, their talking seventy-two virgins up there were their going. As a World leader I have been around this small planet many times and I know for a fact that you cannot find seventy-two virgins in one place down here anywhere. Really. I know. I’ve tried!’

 

President Bush issued this statement just moments ago: ‘I really don’t understand what all the fuss is about, I mean, Ahab The Arab, now that’s one funny song. Why we down here at the ranch play that record all the time. Let me tell ya about Ahab, the Arab, sheik of the desert sands, heh, heh, that’s some funny stuff.’

 

This statement is from Senator Ted Kennedy: ‘Does anyone have that Horst fellow’s phone number? He did say he was at a beer garden with two Frauliens didn’t he?’

 

From Senator Hillary Clinton: ‘Once again this administration has lied to the American people. We were told by the President and his consul that according to CIA and FBI intelligence the Muslim world was living in the 19^th century. Now we find that they are really living in the 1960’s. The American people need and deserve better intelligence agencies for our protection and the preservation of our freedoms.’

 

This from Jacques René Chirac, President of the French Republic: ‘Help!’

 

And finally this from Vice President Richard Chaney: ‘Once again America is coming to the aid of those in need. I have met with the President and we have agreed to send estimators from a major American contracting corporation to assess the damage, which is being caused by these unlawful protests in the cities of our world as we speak. America, as always, will rebuild what others destroy.’

 

Bolt we have a number of other statements but for now I send it back to you in Atlanta.”

 

Bolt: “Thank you Copper, tonight on Perry Kling, Alive? Perry’s special guest will be Mae Belle Stevens. Perry tell us a little about your show tonight.”

 

Perry: “Thank you Bolt, tonight on Perry Kling, Alive? My special guest will be one Mae Belle Stevens; many consider her to be the leading authority on Ray Stevens. May Belle’s real name is May Belle Tyler but she changed her name in 1972 to Stevens because of her adulation for Ray Stevens, the songwriter and performer. May Belle has a long and colorful history concerning Mr. Stevens. She is currently serving a ten-year sentence at the Merewether Institute For Women in Hannibal, Missouri due to her fifth conviction of stalking Mr. Stevens. It should be a most interesting show. I hope you will join us.”

 

Bolt: “Thank you Perry, I am sure everyone will tune…”

 

Perry: “Bolt have I ever told you how much I love kittens, puppies and little yellow ducks, a cool breeze in the summertime, a refreshing drink of…”

 

Bolt: “Thank you Perry but you are supposed to save that for your columns, remember? We now take you to Springfield, Missouri and CNM correspondent and anchorwoman Heidi Ho who has just arrived from Tucson, that’s in Arizona. Heidi.”

 

Heidi: “Thank you Bolt. I have just arrived here in Springfield, Missouri from Tucson, Arizona. But I have had time to find out from local law enforcement officials that they have taken Ray Stevens into protective custody and have moved him to a secret location for his own protection.”

 

Bolt: “So Heidi, the esteemed Senator from Massachusetts, John Kerry was correct when he predicted that the terrorists were indeed headed for Springfield where Mr. Stevens has been taken into protective custody. I would guess Mr. Stevens, and every American, now owes a debt of gratitude to The Senator.”

 

Heidi: “Well, yes, I guess so Bolt. However Mr. Stevens was actually in Branson, Missouri when the police took him into custody. Mr. Stevens performs in Branson along with many other entertainers from the past. Branson is just south of Springfield and is north of Little Rock were the terrorists arrived earlier this morning.”

 

Bolt: “How is the search going for the two terrorist?”

 

Heidi: “FBI and local police authorities have told me that they have set up road blocks on all the highways leading out of Little Rock but in light of the recent discovery of the Stevens’ connection they are concentrating on U.S. Route 65 which leads to Branson. Helicopters and planes are searching the area, as are search teams on foot and horseback with bloodhounds. The FBI and police are confidant that the two men will be apprehended before long.”

 

Bolt: “Do we know where they have taken Mr. Stevens?”

 

Heidi: “No Bolt that is a secret as he is being held for his own protection until the terrorists are apprehended. Both the FBI and local authorities have stressed the importance that his whereabouts be kept from the public to insure Mr. Stevens' safety. As one police official stated, ‘this is a matter of life and death for Mr. Stevens.’ However, I have learned that he is still in the area. I am trying to find out if it will be possible to go to him and have him say a few words.”

 

Bolt: “Excuse me Heidi, we go now to CNM agent…err…I mean CNM correspondent Ima Fink.”

 

Ima: “Bolt, I am standing here in front of the Holiday Inn in Branson, Missouri. We are on the corner of U.S. Route 65 and East College Street were we have just learned that Ray Stevens is being held in room 214. As you can see the motel is not being heavily guarded as there are only two plains clothes police officers standing in the parking lot, as we believe that they are obviously trying to keep a low profile. Moments ago Richard Yanker, or Dick as we call him, our able bodied CNM cameraman, left his equipment here with me and proceeded around to the back of the motel where he was able to enter through the service door unmolested. We will now try to retrace his steps and find Mr. Stevens.”

 

Bolt: “ Good luck Ima, ha…ha…you are the best. How do you always come through for us here at CNM and find those who are not supposed to be found?”

 

Ima: “Well that’s why I make the big bucks Bolt, but if I told you that you would be able to do it.”

 

Bolt: “Yes I guess so. Maybe we should have you look for bin Laden…ha, ha, ha… excuse me Ima, we have to go now for an important message from our CNM live action news reporter Herb Tarlick, Herb.”

 

Herb: (In the background is heard the sound of dogs barking and men yelling.) “I’m standing here with Mr. Melvin Jones at his home in a secluded area just off Route 62 near Boone, Missouri. Tell us Mr. Jones what happened here this afternoon? Did you see the two terrorists?”

 

Melvin: “Yeh, I did…I was out here yonder a feedin’ the hens when they came right down this here road in the ugliest little green car you ever did see.”

 

Herb: “Then what happened? Did you get a good look at them?”

 

Melvin: “Yeh, I did. They was two of the scruffiest lookin’ fellas I ever did see, didn’t smell none to pleasant neither. One was a big fella and the other was a little fella, they talked kind of funny too.”

 

Herb: “So you spoke to them?”

 

Melvin: “Yeh, I did. Couldn’t understand much though. Seems these two fellas were a lookin’ for Branson. So I ask ‘em who they were and where they was from cause I was sure they weren’t no Americans. And they told me that they were a couple of college foreign exchange students. So I told them that iff’in they were smart enough to get into college then how come they weren’t smart enough to find Branson? That kind of riled that little fella and he started jabbering away in his college foreign exchange student language. But by now I was a gettin’ worried that my wife would see them and that she would come on out of the house. So I figured I better help these two poor fools and tell them were they needed to head off to so they would get out of here before the wife comes out. She’s got this here a-ffliction and its best to keep her away from people and all, that’s why we moved way out here, because of her a-ffliction and all.”

 

Herb: “I am sorry to hear that Sir but what happened to the terrorists?”

 

Melvin: “Now you just hold on there sonny and I’ll be a tellin’ ya. Ain’t no sense in gettin’ that purty tie all bunched up in any more knots than you need now is there?”

 

Herb: “So did you tell them how to get to Branson?”

 

Melvin: “Yeh, I did. I told these here fellas that if they were in college that they should be able to tell the difference between 62 and 65 because they must have been traveling north on Route 65 when they made a wrong turn east on Route 62, cause that was the only way to get out here to my place. So I told them to just turn that ugly little car around and go back west until they hit the main road and head north and once they got back on 65 that not even two college foreign exchange students as dumb as them could miss Branson if they just went north. But now you tell me that these here fellas were a couple of those Muslim terrorists, now ain’t them the fellas that get down on their knees ten times a day and face east and say their prayers? Huh, you’d figure those kind of fellas would always know which way was east. Shoot I betcha those two don’t know which a way they are a praying most of the time.”

 

Herb: “Huh, Sir, then what happened?”

 

Melvin: “Well that’s when the trouble started cause that’s when my wife came out of the house, she’s got this a-ffliction ya know, and the doc said it can’t be fixed cause its all in her head. She got it when she stated runnin’ with this fella back home. That’s when first she got incensed, then she got mooned and the final blow came when she got a free shot. Yep, she ain’t been the same since, that’s why we moved out here ya know.”

 

Herb: “Yes Sir, you told us that already so what is this affliction and what happened when your wife came out?”

 

Melvin: “Well Sir, they call her a-ffiction ‘The Streak’ so when she came out of that house she didn’t have a stitch of clothes on, she does it all the time when there’s people around, that’s why we moved way out here to keep her away from people. Anyway she's eighty-three years old and it ain’t purty when she streaks. But she comes a bouncing off that porch naked as a jay and I yell, ‘Ethel you get some clothes on!’ But she don’t ever listen, so then I yelled, ‘Don’t look boys!’ But it was too late they had already been terrorized! Ethel ran across that front yard with everything a bouncin’ and a shakin’, her breasts were a flappin’ from her knees to her forehead. I swear to Jimmy Dean’s pork sausage that I once saw her left butt cheek hit the ground and bounce back up over her shoulder! And like I said, she is eighty-three so she don’t streak as fast as she used to, it took a long time, and I mean a long time for her to cross that there yard. Yep, those boys got an eye full, they was a goin’ into shock in slow motion! Well Sir, by the time Ethel made it to the barn those two boys had gray hair! And when Ethel turned her wrinkled, naked body around and she started to streak back, those boys threw their hands up into the air and started screaming like a couple of girlies at an Elvis concert! They peeled off down that road like their fathers were a chasin’ them with a big switch and that was without their ugly little car! You boys are going to tow that ugly thing away when you leave ain’t ya?”

 

Bolt: “Herb, I’m sorry to interrupt your interview but we have just received a confirmed report that the two terrorists have given themselves up to local law enforcement officers without a struggle just a few miles from your location. In fact the report states that the men were visibly shaken, crying hysterically and are actually hugging the police officers begging them to take them away from this ‘terrible place.’ Herb, can you add anything?”

 

Herb: “No Bolt not at this time, I will leave here now and head down to where the terrorists have been apprehended. Bolt...?"

Bolt: "Yes Herb."

Herb: "Did the men have gray hair…”

 

Melvin: “ETHEL, YOU GET SOME CLOTHES ON!!”

 

Herb: “SHIT!”

 

 

CLICK

 

 

To Ray Stevens and all those like him and in loving memory of the good old days before PC, when we knew how to laugh at ourselves.

 

 

The Streak

 

 

 

 

 

God Bless,

Mike

 

"Copyright 2006.  Michael E. Tank   All rights reserved. No part of this document may be copied, faxed, electronically transmitted, or in any other manner duplicated without express written permission of the author."